Brave on the Rocks

May 20, 2015

I’m in this weird place right now of trying to think through all of the things I am going to miss when I’m gone so that I can soak them up extra right now, but I’m realizing it doesn’t really work that way. I wish it did. I’ve certainly been trying – staring at the Bosphorus longer on my walks past it, eating more Turkish foods and desserts, sitting in parks and cafes longer, keeping my windows open and headphones out. And while you can certainly savor things more while you’re here, you can’t quite miss them until they’re gone, I don’t think. You just have to be right where you’re at for as long as you can, I think.

I’ve got exactly two weeks before I get on a plane to leave this city to head back home. I know I’ve said this a million times over, but truly, I cannot believe that. And that’s probably for the best that I can’t really fully grasp the reality of those 14 days. There is so much I’m going to miss about Istanbul. And I’m sure some of you are thinking “She’s still got two whole weeks left... why is she even thinking about leaving??” But the truth of it is I am a sloooooow processor. For real, guys. So it’s really a good thing for me to start that whole process now.

My view on my walk to class. I think I'll miss the water most.

May 25, 2015

For my 18^th birthday, I received a copy of Sabrina Ward Harrison’s book, "Brave on the Rocks." I read it, and loved it just as much as "Spilling Open," and then it went into my book collection for a time.

Trying so desperately to skype in
Jess' graduation at 3am my time.

Before I decided to move forward with studying abroad, I made a pros and cons list of why I should or shouldn’t go to Istanbul. The cons side of things was full of names and faces of people I’d miss so dearly, graduations, birthdays, and life events I would miss, babies growing up, and opportunities I would miss out on. The pros side was weaker in comparison, but held Sabrina’s words that would come to be my mantra as I moved forward in my trip. They were simple, but very clear. “If you don’t go, you don’t see.” Here I am, a little over two years from first reading those words, and I’m just struck with the gratitude that I had the opportunity to go and see.

Tonight I sat and read through "Brave on the Rocks" again and just smiled at how familiar Sabrina's stories of traveling to Italy are. So much of what she describes about her travels match up with my own traveling experiences. She writes of the stress and anxiety and dullness that made going to Italy necessary. She says “sometimes the sickness itself is the wakeup call to have the adventure.” And that’s just it. My fall semester was a hectic one. I was overworked, overscheduled, and overwhelmed. I wasn’t sleeping right or eating right, I was almost constantly stressed and anxious, and just really losing it on the whole. And more and more, I felt drawn to Istanbul. Don’t get me wrong – I am not advocating for running away from problems, and I’m not saying that is what this trip was to me at all. What I am saying, though, is that most times to heal and to start fresh, you have to be uncomfortable for a minute, and usually things have to change. For me, that change came in the really fantastic and scary and difficult and wonderful form of a brand new city, in a brand new part of the world. And it has been so, so good for me.

My sweet Australian friend, Josephine, and I were saying our goodbyes earlier this week and I asked her what she had learned from being in Istanbul and what she would take back and how she would be different and she said some wonderful and wise things about being more bold and about loving people as much as you let yourself love them and it was all very poetic and nice. She then flipped my questions around on me and I stared back at her and told her that I feel like I should have an answer to that, but that I just didn’t. And without missing a beat, she just said, “Well, for the most part, I think you won’t know what you learned until you’re back and you see how you’ve changed.” And I do think that is very true. I can already see some of the lessons and change in myself, though, just by looking at my journal from the very first week in Istanbul. I look at the person who wrote that and she was pretty apprehensive of and very intimidated by this new city and all of the change. She tried to push down and ignore the uncomfortable moments and homesick feelings until they were too big to ignore. That person was fearful and clung tightly to her backpack, sure of pickpockets everywhere and all Turkish sounded angry and unfriendly to her ears. That person was sure they hated her and so sure that there was a sign above her head that proclaimed, “I do not belong here!”

It was in that journal entry from the first week that I wrote, “We almost got lost on the way home. But we made it. We’re ok and we’re here and we made it. We’re going to be ok. Nineteen more weeks.” That person had no idea how fast those nineteen weeks would go.

At that point, I had no idea how much could change in nineteen weeks, either. Somewhere along those one hundred and thirty-three days, I became a bit more bold.  “Sometimes the bravest things are the most simple in the end.” I learned how true that is. I learned the streets in my small radius, and I learned how to do the dance required to navigate the people and cars within those streets. I am learning what it means to be present in life. I wasn’t showing up for a decent portion of my life – not fully, anyways. In Lisbon, I watched my older sister, Erin wander the streets and truly take it in. I watched her sip her wine slowly and linger longer. In Turkey, I watched the people walk slower through the streets (sometimes so slowly that people read books as they shuffled along to wherever they were going – that is no joke or exaggeration). I watched them wait for their tea to cool at the end of most every meal and drink it slowly. And I’m in the process of learning to be more present like that and linger just a little longer. One of the cool by-products of travelling is that it really encourages and coerces you to see, taste, touch, hear, and smell more. Because suddenly, the sights and tastes and textures and sounds and aromas are not what you’re used to, so you get into the habit of paying more attention to them. Nineteen weeks ago me didn’t know that.

My view of the world changed, too (probably in so many ways that I haven’t even realized yet). Mostly, I’ve just realized how small it really is. Before I left, I had so many different connections who had friends or family in Istanbul, and it was just so surprising to me. I also met a guy who goes to Bogazici and studied abroad last semester at K-State – crazy! There is also a guy studying abroad here that I met who is not only from Kansas, but lives about five minutes away from where I live. It’s just wild to me the different connections I’ve been able to make in just five short months.

Me, obviously being brave on
the rocks in Turkey

Finally, I think I’ve become a little braver over the past nineteen weeks. Studying abroad was always this “maybe, someday, if all the stars align” kind of dream to me. When it became a reality and I was checking and double-checking my packing list the night before I left, that was really terrifying. But here I am. With a little over a week left of my time here, with a (very) little Turkish vocabulary, and with shoes that are worn from all of the hills. I did it! Certainly not alone – it took an army to get me here and a whole lot of last-minute things working out in my favor. But I did it. And I’m so much better for it.

I’m so ready to be back where I’m most comfortable, with all the people I love and have missed so dearly, eating the foods I love, and speaking my own language. But it sure is going to be hard to leave this city. Istanbul is where I learned to heal, and to rest, where I learned the practices of being patient, being grateful, and being present. It’s where I met people from around the world and compared and contrasted cultures. It’s where I missed my people and my home and really fell in love with it. Istanbul is where I learned about being an adventurer wherever you’re at, but never forgetting where home is. Istanbul has been so good to me for this season of life and I’ll forever be grateful for the home we made here.

But I am ready to come home. And that feels like the greatest gift of all.

P.S. - in case you didn't hear, I had a killer birthday at the Prince Islands (thanks, Kevin!)

Remember that birthday I got to ride in a horse-drawn carriage like a freaking princess?!

We could see the other islands from this gorgeous view by the monastery. So worth all the hills. 

After our hike, we found the most perfect spot to stop and eat some watermelon. So we did.

Oh, Portugal

Well, midterms are finally over and done with, papers are all typed and turned in, and I've got a little over a week before my first final (and then some more time after that.. and then my last two finals), so I finally had a second to finish up my video from spring break. I was so lucky to get to meet my sister in Lisbon at the end of April for 5 days of getting lost, dancing, eating (so much gelato), and lots and lots of laughing. I've said this so many times since the trip, but honestly, the two of us should not be allowed in a foreign country together, unsupervised. We just barely found each other in the airport (after a 3 hour search and one kind policeman, which makes us sound so dumb, but honestly, Lisbon Airport, what is your deal?). I never got a stamp in my passport for entering Portugal (please see above about police officer scenario), and just barely was able to get back into Istanbul. We also struggled a little with planning and navigating... but ultimately, I think we really made the most of our trip, and in case the millions of photos I took don't act as proof, I put together a video of our short little time together, if you're interested.

Lisbon - you babe, you.

https://youtu.be/3CLq0RCR9qg

(PS - I'll be home in 21 days... HOW is that even possible??)

S is for Spring and Skirts and Stuff About Culture

Up until this point, I've been able to blend in with the Turks a bit (as long as I kept my mouth shut, that is). I'm fortunate to have my dad's dark hair and some of his filipino genes, and so, for the most part, I look pretty Turkish. But Istanbul in the spring really separates the real Turks from the people like me who are just trying to blend in. This is done primarily through clothing choices. Being a Kansan, I'm used to April rolling around and whether it's warm and springy or we're still getting snow, people start dressing for springtime. So certainly, on Tuesday when the high was 81 degrees here, I was ready to break out my dresses and skirts, as I assumed everybody would be. Wrong. I saw a total of two other girls in skirts while the rest of Istanbul was sporting jeans and sweaters and most were in heavy jackets. I was surprised by this, but not quite as surprised as the Turks seemed to be that I was wearing a knee-length dress and long-sleeved cardigan. People stared as I made my way to campus (which is already more of the culture here than it is in America, but it was certainly heightened with their disbelief at my ensemble). And outside of the context of my family and a few close friends, as a general rule, I really hate being the center of attention. It makes me uncomfortable and even more awkward than normal and it makes me so painfully self-aware. Am I the only one who's like that? Probably not. And this might sound like such a silly thing to make note of, but I really think it's an interesting cultural difference. 

In my Social Influences on Behavior class, we've been talking a whole lot about individualistic versus collectivistic cultures and the differences between them (in great detail, I might add). I think a lot of the culture differences I feel here don't come down to race or geographic location or religion like most people think, but rather, I think the brunt of it comes down to the fact that American culture is predominantly individualistic (surprise, surprise) and Turkish culture is predominantly collectivistic. And it's so interesting to get to live in a collectivistic culture for a bit, because when I learned about these types of cultures in anthropology classes and psychology classes, I would think "That's just America's problem, isn't it? If we could be more like that, it would be so much better here. Collective cultures are just perfect." Because the idea sounds so great on paper, doesn't it? A culture that's oriented around others, that works as a group towards common goals. And maybe really, truly living as a part of this kind of culture really would be amazing. But as an outsider, I'm seeing a few of the pitfalls of this cultural structure. Because while it's really wonderful to share some things collectively, I think it's pretty cool that the U.S. celebrates and encourages individuality. Here, I feel more of a pressure to dress as the Turks view seasonally appropriate, even though it would mean getting dangerously close to heat stroke some days. In America, on the other hand, I don't even bat an eye when I see people in shorts when there's snow on the ground. This is not at all to bash Istanbul or collectivistic cultures, because largely, I still think they're really fantastic, it's just been good to get a more realistic view of how that looks day in and day out. 

In other news, we had spring break last week and it was so wonderful and relaxing. I met my sister in Lisbon, Portugal, and really we probably shouldn't be allowed to travel internationally without supervision. But, I have too much to say about Lisbon, so I'll post about it someday soon (hopefully). Life is busy here with end of the year projects and papers and another midterm somehow right before finals start.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm leaving this place in a month. Somebody please tell me how the time went this fast. I'm working on processing leaving. Up until last night, I had thought "Yeah. I'll be ready to be home," not because I liked Istanbul any less, but just because it's been so long since I've seen my sweet nephews (who are getting so big it's unreal) and because I miss the rest of my family so much, and because it gets tiring sticking out all of the time, too. I was ready for the familiar and for blending in. And those feelings are still there, absolutely, but last night I had a dream that I cut my trip short and was back at K-State. It wasn't until I had gotten back to my dorm room that I realized how much I missed Istanbul and remembered all the things I had meant to see but hadn't and it hit me that I had wished away this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I woke up from that dream feeling the weight of only having 4 little weeks left here, suddenly. What a semester it's been - completely different than I thought it would be, harder in some ways than I expected and much easier in other ways I didn't foresee. But so good for me in a million different ways. Istanbul brought me back to life after a really hard Fall semester. It gave me a season of rest and relaxation and the chance to just go and do. I'm so grateful for this time, for the sweet people by my side through it all, for the places I've seen, and for all the miles and miles my feet have walked. I'm really trying to soak up this last month and all of it's sunshine-y, rainy, bosphorus-y glory. I'll let you know how it goes. Until then, happy Saturday.

Lessons in Standing Still

                                                 

Sometimes, this thing is a real chore. For weeks now, I’ve been thinking: “I really need to blog. I’ve got to blog.” And yet, here we are, nearly a month after my last post. Partially, I haven’t been writing because the “study” portion of study abroad is kicking in. That seems to be the common refrain among exchange students right now. Midterms are finally winding down and we’re starting to see why Boğaziçi is called “the Harvard of Turkey.” I didn’t understand this at all until I took my first midterm. The classes made complete sense to me, I was following everything just fine and I really felt like I was well-studied for my first midterm (I did more studying than I do back at K-State). But I studied the wrong stuff. I was talking to my Turkish friend, Esra, and describing this to her and she asked me what kinds of questions would appear on midterms at K-State. When I told her, she just laughed and said “You will never find that kind of thing here in Turkey.” So I’m still trying to learn how to show that I’m learning here. But it’s a little stressful when my entire grade is currently based off of one test, and a little more stressful to realize I’ve only got the final to compensate for my midterm grade. So that’s partially why I’ve taken a hiatus from writing.

It’s also partially because it’s surprisingly hard to find important things to say. It was easier when Istanbul was brand new, and I was seeing it through new eyes. I’m still quite out of my element here, obviously, and still trying to figure it all out, but it feels less strange for me. As I walk around, there’s less of a sense of “Oh I have to write about this!” and more like “Oh, there are some more Turkish guys walking with their arms around one another. Business as usual.”

  

And partially, it’s difficult to make myself write because, if I’m being very honest, some days, being here doesn’t feel quite as adventurous as it might seem. Some of you reading this back home may want to slap me for saying that (and that might be totally warranted), because here I am, with this incredible opportunity, doing exactly what I set out to do a year ago saying it’s not some crazy adventure every single day. And I hope I don’t sound like I’m complaining – because I’m not! Believe me, I know how rare and special this is, and I am so grateful for this trip and wouldn’t have had it any other way! But I think it’s maybe just a “the grass is always greener on the other side” situation. And I think it’s just a human thing. I hope it’s a human thing, and not just a me thing. It’s just this really interesting feeling in me that so badly wants to be in two places at once. Because on one hand, I know I miss my family and my friends, and I miss my school, my language, my major, my food, my familiarity. But then I kind of slap myself on the wrist for feeling that way, because I think about leaving Istanbul and I think about everything I will miss here. The huge city, the unfamiliarity, the change, the slow pace of life, the free time I have to read for fun and to spend hours painting and listening to jazz on Wednesdays, the bosphorus, the Turkish students and the exchange students that I’ve met here. It’s just such a Catch-22 (at least, that’s what I’m told. I tried and failed at actually making it through that whole book… Sorry Mrs. Unruh). 

I want to be here, and I want to be there. People ask me how Turkey is and is it everything I had hoped and dreamed and just how awesome is it, and my answer is yes, but with an asterisk, almost. I have been thinking about this weird feeling over the past couple of weeks, and I think it just comes down to my contentedness. I’ve found myself thinking “Oh, if I had studied abroad in __________, I would have eaten this, and seen this, and done this, and I wouldn’t feel this pull to be in two places at once” and yet I know I’d have the exact same phenomenon going on there, too. I’ve got restless feet. They’re quick to move and slow to be satisfied. I long for home and familiarity and I long for adventure and the unknown all at once. But adventure isn’t comfortable and familiar – we don’t get both at the same time.

Being here is really challenging me to just stand still. To stand still past the point of comfort, really. It’s teaching me to be content and to be present, right here, right where I am. This is a season of unknown adventure for me, and I’m just so grateful for that.

Here are some photos from the Grand Bazaar

& other things.

This picture doesn't even begin to capture the mobs of people
that fill the Bazaar or the vastness of the place.

Bazaar spices

Beşiktaş cakes

The Turkish version of "The Little Prince."

Adventure is Out There

Studying abroad is hard. 

It's not all beautiful skylines or sunny, Instagram-filtered days. I think it's important that I dispel this myth, because I'm just as guilty as the next guy for prolonging this image of a perfect, picturesque adventure of a semester. Don't get me wrong - I am so very, very happy here! This opportunity to see the world (or at least part of it) is not something I take for granted. I am so very grateful each and every day that the desire was put on my heart to study abroad, and that I actually was lucky enough to get to pursue that desire. This trip came at the perfect time, and with the help of so many wonderful people, and I wouldn't have it any other way, I really wouldn't. But if you're thinking about studying abroad (or even just thinking about what it would be like to think about studying abroad), I believe it's only fair that you get to see the whole picture. Because while it's this incredible journey to live life outside of your comfort zone and see things that you could never see back home, you miss things, too.

          

You miss things like your sweet little nephews growing up and being not quite so little. FaceTime absolutely eases these pains, but lets be honest - Leo (1-year-old) and Nolan (3-years-old) have better things to do than sit still have have an adult conversation. They're busy guys! You also miss things like your childhood friend getting engaged, and even though I was lucky enough to get to Skype her and giggle and be excited with her, it's not the same as getting to hug her and talk in person (although we'll be sure to make up for lost time when I'm back for the summer, I know it!). You miss little things, too, like studying late at night with your best friend and actually getting no studying done because there are more important things to be discussed (and dances that have to be danced). You miss hamburgers and walmart (I know, I was just as surprised as you probably are right now). And in May, if you're like me, you'll miss your little brother's graduation. I'll get to be there via skype, but I'll have to wait until June to hug him and congratulate him in person. 

The thing is, though, if I was there, not missing those things, then I'd just be missing out on the things here. I'd be missing out on seeing the gorgeous Bosphorus on my way to school. I'd be missing eating doner and kebaps and some of the best rice I've ever had. I'd be missing out on meeting some really phenomenal people and seeing places so beautiful that photos don't capture it all. Ashton's parents are here visiting this week, which has been super fun to see them, because even though they're not my family, they're a piece of home here in Istanbul. We got dinner with them Sunday night, and it was really fun to see Istanbul through their eyes. It was a nice reminder of the little progress we've made here and the ways in which we've adapted and found new normals here - the words we've learned, the foods we've tried, getting used to not knowing what we're ordering. It's so good to have them here and to get to experience this place in a new way.

                      














As I was flipping through photos to include in this blog, I was just kind of met with this realization that you don't have to go around the world to find adventure (although it's really cool when you get to). Going abroad is making me realize the adventure that waits for me back home, as silly as that might sound. I think that's one of the biggest take-aways for me, so far. Studying abroad is leaving me with this insatiable desire to be in two places at once. But I'm really grateful for that feeling, because it means I've got adventure and excitement while I'm here, and adventure and excitement waiting for me back at home, too. There's a whole lot of joy and comfort in that.

40 Day Dream

Hello friends!

Today's post is a bit different than usual. As ok as my last blog post was about my trip through Pamukkale, Ephesus, Sirince, and Izmir was, I felt like my words still didn't do the trip much justice. So I threw together a little video, for those who are interested in seeing a little bit more of my lovely trip!

Here's the link if you want to watch it: http://youtu.be/46lsIq9lDLk


Enjoy!